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  “Just a minute, Aunt Maud. I’m getting dried.”

  She grabbed a towel for herself and rubbed vigorously at her skin before glancing at a now flaccid cock and dejected looking Sam. She whispered, “You’ll have to climb out the window.”

  “What?”

  “If we both walk out she’ll think we were having sex in the shower.”

  “Hello. We were having sex in the shower until she interrupted.”

  “I know, but she can’t know that.”

  “Why?”

  “I’ll be embarrassed. Besides, do you want to get her overexcited thinking about you naked, wet, and erect?”

  Sam grimaced. “I’ll climb out the window.” He scooped up his boxers from the floor. Once he had shimmied into them he wrapped a towel around his waist. “Thank God we’ve got a ground floor flat.”

  She grinned as she imagined him climbing down a ladder half-naked, giving the neighbors a show they would never forget. He dropped a quick peck on her lips before he slid the window open and disappeared outside. Meg tugged the sash down, pulled on her robe, picked up the tub of ice cream and the spoon, and then swung the door open.

  “The bathroom is all yours, Aunt Maud.”

  “Why are you wearing shoes in the shower?”

  Meg looked at her damp sandals. Nothing got past the old girl. “They were dirty so I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone.”

  “You know you’re getting as strange as your mother.” She craned her neck in an attempt to see around Meg. “Where’s Sam?”

  “What?”

  “I thought I heard voices and he’s not in his room.”

  “You’re not allowed in his room.”

  “There’s not much point in me going in there if he’s not home. I bet he’s got some hot young thing giving his groin a workout. You look a bit peaky, dear. A good screw would do you a world of good. Might stop you talking to yourself and eating ice cream in the bathroom. Now, let me in before I have another accident.”

  Meg rushed through to the kitchen and unlocked the back door. Sam was shivering on the doorstep. It definitely wasn’t streaking weather.

  “Quick, she’s in the bathroom, and she knows you weren’t in your room.”

  “What was she doing in my room?”

  “Never mind that, she can’t find you here. You need to get moving.” Meg shoved him toward the living room.

  “Moving where? What am I supposed to do?”

  “Put on your workout clothes and pretend you went for a run.”

  Sam pulled Meg into his arms and kissed her, and then nuzzled her ear. “I prefer to work up a sweat in other ways. You need to find a new home for her before I go mad.”

  “I’m trying, but she has a reputation. She’s been bragging to everyone she knows about her criminal past.”

  “She hasn’t even been to court yet.”

  Meg snuggled closer to Sam. “I don’t want to think about the trial. What if we both get sent to jail?”

  He dropped a kiss on the top of her head and hugged her tight. “It’s only a committal hearing. You won’t be going anywhere.”

  No matter how much longer she managed to keep her mother in the dark, the truth would come out once she went to court. She could imagine the newspaper story now. Female pimp Maggie Riley sent down to do hard time with her male prostitute Michael Monaghan. The thought of Michael and hard time in the same sentence made her shudder. She wasn’t interested in the well hung Irishman. She loved Sam, but she only had so much fortitude. She needed to get laid. No, she needed more than that. She needed Sam to make her come until she was hoarse from screaming his name. If she wanted some time alone with him, she would have to devise a plan because it wasn’t happening without one.

  “Maybe I should speak to Laura?” She looked up at Sam.

  “I thought you were never going to talk to her again?”

  “This mess is all her fault. I was thinking she should be punished.”

  Sam grinned. “What do you have in mind?”

  “How about an hour babysitting Aunt Maud?”

  “And what would we be doing?”

  “Having sex in the privacy of our own home, with no fear of interruption.”

  “I like the way you think, but I’m not sure one hour is punishment enough.” Sam cupped her face and kissed her long and slow, leaving her in no doubt just how good his tongue could be. “I’d better get dressed before Maud comes through. I can’t take her ripping off my towel again, even if I do have my shorts on this time.”

  She walked her fingers along the top of his towel. “How about if I pulled it off?”

  Sam whispered. “I’d have you bent over the table so fast you would never see me coming.”

  A sigh escaped her at the delicious vision he had just conjured in her mind. “I’d love to see you coming.”

  “Square things away with Laura and I’ll let you watch as often as you like.”

  An involuntary shiver rippled over her skin at the memory of walking into his room and catching him jacking off. She kissed his ear and breathed, “Yee-haw.”

  He let out a long low groan and she giggled before slapping him playfully on the butt. “I think I hear Aunt Maud.”

  “Shit!” He dropped a kiss on her cheek and fled.

  Meg followed, watching him disappear up the hall and into his room. A glance at the clock revealed it was only just after seven. Laura would still be asleep, so it was the perfect time to call.

  The phone rang half a dozen times before a sleepy voice answered. “Yeah, there had better be a fire.”

  “Wake up, Laura. You have a debt to pay and I plan to collect.”

  “Meg? Jesus, it’s not even dawn yet. What are you talking about?”

  “I’m bringing Maud over for a visit, so you best get dressed. Oh, and empty your bed of any stray men unless you want her to try and steal them from you. We’ll be over straight after breakfast.”

  Meg hung up without waiting for an answer.

  Chapter Four

  Meg glanced at the elderly vamp in the passenger seat next to her. She had no idea how Maud could be her grandmother’s sister. She was like no one else in the family that Meg knew. Talk about fire and ice. Her grandmother had been such a demure old lady, or at least she was when Meg visited her. Meg’s mother didn’t do sex, didn’t discuss sex, and had never seen a naked man. At least that was the way she behaved, and Meg happily went along with it. The alternative was too horrible to contemplate.

  Today, Maud was channeling her own version of Dolly Parton. The flouncy pink gingham dress would have appeared right at home on the Country and Western channel, but seemed a little odd in suburban Australia. Her big blond wig kept slipping to one side, and the horn-rimmed glasses spoiled the whole outfit. She had spent ages doing her make-up and sticking on huge false lashes. Every time Maud looked in her direction Meg shuddered. She was terrified of spiders, and the magnifying effect of Maud’s glasses made it seem like she had two giant tarantulas attacking her eyes.

  Maud peered out the window at large single story houses, green lawns, and herbaceous borders. “Where are we going? I don’t know anyone who lives around here.”

  “I thought we should visit with Laura.”

  Maud swiveled her head so fast her wig toppled off. She caught the blond monstrosity before it hit her lap and shoved it back on at a rakish angle. “Why would I want to see that hussy? Unless she intends to give me my money back or find me a replacement.”

  “Maybe she does. She did call and leave a message a couple of days ago saying she needed to talk to me about something, perhaps that’s it.”

  “I hope so. I might use the money to buy a new dress. Do you think I’d look good in one of those black leather outfits with the studs?”

  “No, I think you’d look great in a nice pink twinset and pearls.”

  “I can’t go on a date dressed like your mother. Can you imagine a man wanting to go out with her?”

  “What date?�
�

  “I’ve got a hot date tonight.”

  Meg almost sideswiped a parked dark blue Ford station wagon as she turned to stare at Maud. No way did the old lady have a date. In the last week she hadn’t seen anyone because she’d followed Meg around like a bad smell. The only man she’d spoken to, other than Sam, was Mr. Bigelow from number four when she went to collect the mail.

  “Mind where you’re going. I won’t be able to jiggle my boobs at the Carousel Club if you crash.” Meg glanced at Maud’s chest. The low cut of her dress revealed a singular lack of cleavage and more than a glimpse of chicken fillet escaping the top of her bra.

  “You’ve got no idea how long it takes to recover from a broken hip when you get to my age. Mr. Sampson couldn’t service his wife for months. Fortunately, she’s lost interest since she had her hysterectomy. Not like me—”

  Meg didn’t need to hear any more about what Maud was interested in. Besides, her brain was still trying to get around Maud thinking she had a date. “You have a date?”

  “Sure, why’s that so hard to believe? I’m a good looking woman.” Maud grinned like a Cheshire cat. “And these new teeth cost me a mint. They’ve even got pretend diamonds in the front. See.”

  Meg glanced back at Maud and tried not to grimace. The teeth added nothing to the package. “Please tell me you’re not seeing Mr. Bigelow.”

  “I’m not seeing Mr. Bigelow.”

  “So, who are you seeing then?”

  “Mr. Bigelow.”

  “But you just said it wasn’t him.”

  “No, you said to say it wasn’t him.”

  Meg could feel a pulse in her head. She was going to have an aneurism before the day was through and it was only just after nine in the morning.

  “I meant … never mind. What about Mrs. Bigelow?”

  “She’s not invited. I don’t do threesomes.”

  Meg let out a loud sigh of exasperation.

  “On a first date.”

  “Jesus Christ, Maud. I don’t need to hear this shit. Why can’t you play bingo or whist like a normal old person?”

  “I am normal. I’ve got needs like any other hot-blooded woman. Don’t you have needs?”

  Meg pulled up in Laura’s driveway. “I’m not discussing my needs with you, and you are not dating Mr. Bigelow. He’s a married man; my mother would never forgive me.”

  “What’s your mother got to do with anything? Is she interested in Mr. Bigelow, or Mr. Big-down-below as I like to call him. That man has equipment a stud racehorse would be proud of. He pulled his sausage out at the mailbox the other afternoon to show me he was up to the job. Mind you, it was more the size of one of Jenson’s giant salamis.”

  Meg put her hands over her ears and started singing Waltzing Matilda. When she felt sure Maud had stopped talking, she put her hands in her lap and glared at the old lady. “You are not seeing Mr. Bigelow. He’s a married man. My mother is not interested in him, Mrs. Bigelow is.”

  Maud opened her mouth and Meg put her hand up. “I don’t want to hear about it. I already know more about him than I ever wanted to, and I don’t need any more scary pictures in my head. Now let’s go and visit Laura.”

  Chapter Five

  Meg pressed the doorbell, but no sound rang out. Someone must have gotten sick of the annoying jingle for hemorrhoid cream it used to play and taken out the battery. She rapped her knuckles on the frosted glass, the appearance of a blurred red image in the hallway the reward for her effort.

  Laura opened the door. She was a sight to behold in a low cut red top, matching leather miniskirt, and four inch stiletto heels. “I thought you said after breakfast? You made me get up early for nothing.”

  “Not true. It is just after breakfast. Maud takes a long time to eat a meal.”

  Maud flashed her dentures at Laura. “I’m breaking them in. They have trouble with bacon, but I think I could probably give you a savage bite if you don’t give me my money back. Or maybe I’ll set my new honey on you.”

  “New honey?”

  Meg grabbed Maud’s arm and dragged her inside. “Don’t ask, Laura. Believe me, you don’t want her to tell you.”

  Laura grimaced. “Coffee?”

  They all traipsed through to the kitchen. Meg sat on a stool at the counter and Maud excused herself to use the bathroom. Laura switched the coffee pot on and glared at Meg. “Why is she with you?”

  “Where else would she be? You know she got tossed out of St. Andrews after the Michael Monaghan affair.”

  Laura grinned. “That was hardly an affair. By all accounts he was as limp as a worm on a hook.”

  “That’s not funny. I might go to jail, and knowing my luck, I’d be locked up in a cell with Maud and her out of control libido, listening to stories from her sordid past until I have a brain hemorrhage and die from the horror stored in my head.”

  “You look tense.”

  “Tense! Tense! You have no idea what life is like living with her. She’s driving us nuts. I need you to take her off my hands for a couple of hours.”

  Laura held up her beautifully manicured hands. “No way, girlfriend. The freak show is your relative.”

  “You owe me. This is all because of you. I could have told the police the whole male escort business was your idea, and that you hired Michael out to Maud, but I didn’t.”

  Laura patted her cheek. “I know, that was so sweet of you. I’ll love you forever for not dragging me through the crap.”

  “What about the crap you dropped me in?” Meg folded her arms and glared at Laura. “It’s not too late for me to change my story and tell the police the whole deal.”

  “You wouldn’t.”

  “If I don’t get some time alone without Maud sometime soon there is no telling what I might do.”

  “Alone, or alone with Sam?”

  “None of your damn business.”

  Laura laughed. “I think a good orgasm or two would relax you to no end, let you see life from a whole new angle, preferably one you haven’t tried before.”

  Meg felt heat rush to her face. “I am not discussing my sex life with you.”

  Maud wandered into the room. “What sex life? She doesn’t have one. She spends all her time in the bathroom talking to herself and eating ice cream. She even had her sandals on in there this morning. I think she’s getting dementia. My cousin Ellie’s mental issues started with her wearing her underpants in the bath.”

  Eyebrow raised, Laura stared at Meg. “Sandals in the shower and talking to yourself. You must be sick, unless you had a good reason for your strange behavior?”

  A flush warmed Meg’s cheeks. Without a shadow of a doubt Laura knew exactly what had been going on in the bathroom, even if Maud didn’t. Now she was embarrassed and they hadn’t even had sex, well not real sex.

  Maud held up a sparkly pink rabbit vibrator. “Can I try this?”

  Relief flooded through Meg. Maud was her unwitting savior. Her best friend was well aware she’d started sleeping with Sam before Maud showed up, but she didn’t need Laura to let on to Maud. If the old lady suspected her and Sam were more than roommates, the few minutes they managed alone for a quick kiss and grope would be over.

  Laura’s faced turned a violent shade of red and she snatched the offending item from Maud. “What were you doing in my bathroom cupboard?”

  “Looking for a plunger. There’s something wrong with your toilet. Looks like someone used too much toilet paper and the whole thing is all backed up.”

  “My toilet was fine earlier, besides that doesn’t give you the right to go poking through my stuff.”

  “If you don’t want people to look at your sex toys, you should put them somewhere safe.”

  “It was in the drawer and this is not a sex toy.”

  Eyebrows raised, Maud chuckled. “Really? That’s what Mrs. Bronski in number seventeen told her George when he asked. It looks just like the vibrator she had. She said it was better than any man she ever met. She got it from the sex sh
op at Eastlands. Apparently, they have some huge penises in that store. I never saw them when I went to buy lubricant and rubbers. Mrs. Bronski told me one of these comes with guaranteed satisfaction every time, and as well as giving you a good time, the head works wonders on her arthritis when she uses it to massage her knees. Funny how telling your husband a lie can have such a happy ending. I could take this in exchange for the money you owe me.”

  Laura rushed from the room and Meg got up and filled three cups with coffee. She put them on the table and told Maud to sit while she got milk and sugar. By the time Laura got back, they were sitting waiting for her.

  Meg shoved a full cup in Laura’s direction. “So, when can you take her?”

  Laura frowned. “You’re serious?”

  Maud shoveled a fourth spoonful of sugar into her cup. “What? What was she serious about?”

  “Nothing, Aunt Maud. Drink your coffee. We might need to drop by the police station later.”

  “Oh goody. I love those guys. They’ve got such pinch-able butts.”

  “Okay, okay. I’ll take her off your hands for a couple of hours tomorrow afternoon. She can help me shop for a new outfit for the opening.”

  “What opening?” Meg wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer, but the comment was obviously an invitation to ask the question.

  Chapter Six

  It took every ounce of self-control for Meg not to roll her eyes. Laura was off on another hare-brained scheme, but there was no way Meg was going to get involved. No way, no how. Her life was in the toilet already, thanks to her buying into Laura’s last business idea.

  “Meg, are you listening? The whole deal is in the bag. I’ve got an appointment with the bank manager at two. I only need another fifty thousand to go with the money I got from the estate of Martha Jenkins. I can get the whole thing tied up by the end of the week.”

  “We don’t know anything about running a bar. We’re in advertising.”

  “You used to be in advertising, until you got the sack.” They both glared at Maud. “What? What did I say? According to your mother, you sucked at your job.” She pointed an arthritic finger at Laura. “And she wasn’t much better.”